Baby Blog

Happiness is a fleeting momentary feeling.

Wellbeing is the more stable state of being well and feeling content.

Happiness is great, but wellbeing is where you want to be.

If you are a mother, you have grown, birthed and probably sustained your baby with your mother’s milk (or alternative milk prepared with love). Your body is a miracle-making machine and deserves some care and attention to get it back to top condition. You have so much to give, but to do so, you need some self-love. 

The Pitfalls of Being a Carer

Becoming a parent means you have become a carer. Caring can be fulfilling and positive while simultaneously being the most intense work you have done in your life. It is also very poorly paid work which impacts the family budget, which can easily become a cause of stress. 

Caring gives you a strong sense of purpose, but as Sam Smith in his famous song put it, “too much of a good thing isn’t good anymore”. The research into the health status of carers has repeatedly confirmed that they have poorer health than non-carers. The good news for most parents is that eventually your baby will grow up and little by little will become independent. You will still worry about them but there are less demands on you over time.

With the sudden responsibility of raising a little human, you can feel like only you can deliver the quality of care that is required and the emotional connection you have can be overwhelming. Even with these obligations, it's worth knowing that there is always a way to fill your emotional, mental, spiritual and physical buckets. The challenge is doing it without compromising your children's wellbeing. 

You might be thinking- that’s great, but I’m too busy caring for this precious new life to worry about me. The fact is that the wellbeing of the whole family unit comes down to the state of its primary carer or carers. Parents are the glue that holds the family together. When you neglect glue, it dries out and becomes useless. Parents are the leaders, the role models. Your children will follow what you do, if you model both giving love and loving yourself, your children will follow that model.

In short, looking after your own (and your partner's) wellbeing is paramount for the collective to thrive.

Life is busy, and even a healthy child can have high needs (let alone when they are sick or have a disability). There’s a reason why the Loreal slogan “because you’re worth it’ speaks so loudly to women and especially mothers. It challenges a deep belief that our needs don't matter or aren't worthwhile prioritising. The children have higher needs (the squeaky wheel) so they can easily consume all your energy and time. 

Prioritising just your children's needs can become a habit which can lead to a cycle of decline on the health and wellbeing front for you. Not where you want to be... 

So, here’s what you can do to feel more yourself and human again.

Focus on the fundamental components of wellbeing

According to the New Economics Foundation, there are five fundamental components of wellbeing: Connection, being active, taking notice, keep learning, & Give. These can give you some areas to focus on to improve your wellbeing when you need it most, when you become a parent. 

1. Connection

When two become three (or more), the dynamic in the house changes to accommodate a new intense relationship.

You’ll learn a lot about yourself and will need to connect to your authentic self- you may learn more about your limits, likes, dislikes than in any other time in your life.

There are different connection opportunities around you which can enhance your sense of belonging and purpose.

Connection with your baby

You have an opportunity as a new parent to start a lifelong relationship with your baby based on your initial connection. You can spend time learning what they like, dislike, and how to hold them. 

You are naturally attuned to each other, communicating back and forth in an evolving language. 

Connection with any older children

If you have older children, you will need to work hard to stay connected to them while they learn how to be a big brother or sister (sharing mummy) and all about their new housemate. 

Connection with your partner

Your connection to your partner will go through the ultimate test for communication & support during the newborn phase. During this time, sleep and energy is at it’s lowest for everyone, but especially for mothers recovering from the demands of the pregnancy, birth and establishing milk supply or feeding routines. It will be an adjustment for both of you to accommodate the new (very demanding) person in your lives. It can feel like an uneasy distance in your very close, intimate relationship, so you can both experience a mourning for losing that exclusivity with each other.  

Your partner's connection with your children

Your partner needs to form their connection with their baby. They will have their style of parenting based on their experience of being parented and their parenting ideals. They need to be able to explore their new selves as a parent and stay true to their unique perspective. It is only through doing parenting activities and exploration that you can become confident and competent. Without plenty of opportunities, the non-primary caregiver can't grow into their role and feel that it's all too hard.

Your connection to your support network & making new friends

This may also be a time of connection to the support network of family and friends. These connections may be a bit one way in that you need to take more than you give. Accepting this type of support can allow you to rest and recover and focus on establishing your new connection.  

If your existing support network went through the baby and toddler stage some time ago, it’s likely they have forgotten what it feels like and may not be able to provide much relevant advice. 

Connecting to other people in the same situation with similar aged babies or children is very powerful. You can gain a sense of camaraderie with others experiencing the same life stage, exchanging stories and sharing different ideas on what’s working and not working.

2. Be active

Depending on your pregnancy and birth, it may take some time to get moving again. Listen to your body and honour it’s time for recovery. 

Once things start to feel back into place, having time outside walking (or just pottering in nature) can be a great way to feel yourself again. 

Go for a walk

One of the most natural things you can do to keep active is to go for a walk. To go for a walk, you may need a comfortable baby carrier, a bassinet pram or stroller, a running pram (when baby is over six months). If you have someone to watch your baby, it can be liberating to have a walk on your own. 

Walking to the shops or a nearby park for a play date is a way of combining your activity goals with your connection goals. 

Get active in nature

Gardening can be a great way to ground yourself, get some vitamin D from the sun, get your hands dirty (sensory & exposure to micro-organisms), and gentle exercise (squatting, pulling, digging). If you're not into gardening, go outside barefoot, have a picnic, hug a tree, it doesn't really matter as long as you are having a sensory experience and physical connection with nature. 

Play

As adults, we may have forgotten the joy of playing. Play is children's way of learning about the world and learning what their bodies can do. One of the best bits about being a parent can be the excuse to tap into your inner child and just lose yourself in the moment having fun playing. Here's permission to make up silly games, sing songs, play peek-a-boo, & dance like no-one’s watching.

3. Take notice 

There is lots of merit in slowing down, being present in the moment, and being mindful. You can take notice of your own reactions, feelings, and bodily sensations to tune into yourself, learn and grow. 

When you take notice, you are appreciating, being grateful, being interested in something inside or outside of yourself. As a parent, you can notice changes in your baby as they grow day to day. Once they master one stage, they will change and keep you guessing. Being present in the moment helps you capture those precious moments where baby does something for the first time or just appreciate what you created and nurtured. As you get more experienced as a parent, you will notice that every stage has its challenges, but it always passes. The favourite phrase amongst parents 'This too shall pass' is very true.

You can take notice of other people, animals, & nature going on around you. This can take you out of your head and into a bigger picture frame of mind. Having a bigger picture in mind can help you gain a new perspective on your problems and work out a different way forward.

4. Keep learning

Learning is not just something forced on us in school. Life long learning is a pathway to be something greater, do something greater, have something greater. Through learning we achieve, grow, have new experiences - it's exciting. Part of what you learn as a parent is how to be flexible, your tiny human has their own ideas for your day, you need to be ok with that, redirect your expectations and live with purpose, health and joy.

Looking after a baby can feel mind-numbing and repetitive at times and many parents crave intellectual stimulation. There are simple ways to keep learning as a parent. 

Take it as a challenge

We do something, then next time we might do it a bit different, adapt, experiment with what works, find out what doesn't work, be flexible in our approach. This evolution keeps our interest and leads to mastery. Ideas can come through experimentation or you can get ideas through mother's groups, father's groups, Facebook groups, parenting forums, and product reviews.

Learn through play

Any activity can be made more fun, you just need to play around with it. You can 'gamify' life.

Learning tools

Writing things down is one powerful learning tool. It takes everything out of your head and onto the page. From there you can reflect, set goals, make a plan. There's a lot of things to keep in your head as a parent, having the ability to empty those worries and lists onto the page can free up brain space for learning and growth.

Your mind needs exercise too. There are heaps of options which are also parent-friendly. It can be hard to pick up a book when your hands are full, so consider getting some headphones to listen to podcasts, video tutorials (captions are a great alternative when you need silence), online courses you can do at your own pace, ebooks, and audiobooks.

5. Give

As a parent, it feels like you are always giving. It is your job to give your love, time, gifts, comfort, education, food, everything to your children. You are intrinsically motivated to do so. When you give to your children, you are modelling what it is to have a loving connection to someone else. They learn the value of giving through your actions to them. 

In return, your child will have the opportunity to give back to you in infinite ways. They enrich your life through laughter, through joy, pride, cuddles and kisses. If you're lucky, when they grow up, you will grow older and that care you showed for them could return to you full-circle.

Outside of giving to your children, being interested in others and giving your time, your energy and other gifts can have many positive benefits. This can create a connection to others which comes from a genuine loving caring place. You get a sense of purpose and belonging. This creates a support network around you and a sense of community. Why not try and see how random acts of kindness and paying it forward makes you feel? Try giving more than you take and see if it catches on.

Regardless of your financial status, there is always something you can give which will help others. Your time is your most precious asset if you think about it. We give our time to our work to make money. We can always earn more money but you only get a set amount of time so it’s important how we choose to spend it. If you can give nothing else to others, you can give your time, your love, your energy. If you don't have time, give your money, someone can always use it more than you.

Making Positive Changes

Starting to make changes to improve your wellbeing can be as simple as asking yourself what activities fill your wellness cups and you want to do more often. Keeping in mind, the five components of wellbeing, think of any number of activities such as talking with friends (connection + give + take notice), doing a yoga session (be active + keep learning + connection to self), or getting out in nature (be active + connection + take notice).

Once you have a few ideas which will tick all the wellbeing boxes, all you have to do is work out what is stopping you from doing them, what do you need to make them happen, and who might be able to help you. 

This little exercise can make all the difference to your mindset and feeling control over your own life.  It's about honouring yourself by pushing your needs up the priority list. 

Once you have some new positive activities in your life, you can start to do less of the habits which take away from your happiness and health. For activities that don't add anything to your existence, see if you can outsource them to give you more time for the new and exciting.

Over time, your life becomes transformed into the life you want to lead and the wellbeing you deserve to feel. 

Have fun discovering and growing!

Written by Anna Noud

Co-founder of BabyPeg, Occupational Therapist and Mother of 2 boys. Living near Newcastle, NSW, Australia.